Let me start this off by saying..
Thank you Spencer
Before you I was a man full of fear. Fear of being intimate. I was afraid if I let down my walls I would be destroyed. So I created a persona that everyone would love. One so strong that I forgot who I was.
Before you, I felt like I knew who Mark was. He was my perfect creation. Strong willed, wise and the perfect gentleman. But always guarded, grasping at the unwindable task of keeping up appearances. I got lost in all of it. I honestly don’t think I’ve ever known who I was to begin with, not even for one day. But with you I felt safe, I could open up. I will always remember that first night, we stayed up til the sun came up talking. I held you, you held me, we cried and bonded. I smiled, not the kind of smile you awkwardly pull out at family gathers or business meetings but one from the heart.
Thank you Lola
I opened up to you in every way I could. Laid my heart, mind and soul bear to you and you did the same. I was in love so intense that nothing before or sense could match up. We fussed, we fought but never mattered, still loved you. I never could tell you I loved you back though. That wall I refused to let down.
You let me a message telling me you loved me after I helped you with one of your dreams. I saw it, but I didn’t respond or ever address it because this last hurdle I didn’t want to overcome. Didn’t want to give up that power. I never told you how I felt because Mark or whatever persona I had made didn’t want to give that power up.
So naturally you moved on. I was crushed. Not by your leaving, not by how you left. But why you left and that it was because I had fear of being honest. I broke my own heart by pushing away someone who would move heaven and earth for me and honestly did.
Thank you Jesi Purdue
Even when we started talking again I never apologized or even mentioned it even though I know that’s what you wanted to hear.
I’m not writing this because i miss you, but to say thank you for being there for someone who couldn’t be there for you when it mattered. For showing me, what can happen if you take a chance.
People come into your life for a reason. Some are friends, lovers, soulmates and others lessons. You taught me to open my heart, to be who I should be without the paranoid fears I had before. Because of you I started writing, reading more and started podcasting. Without you I wouldn’t have met all the friends I have now that I learn from everyday.
Taye teaches me that you’re always strong enough; Haevyn, to be Fearless in everything especially love; Vandell, to be a man of Honor at all times; Justyn, to never give up even in your darkest moments and Frank, to chase your dreams with everything you got. People I would have never met if I didn’t learn that lesson from you. I’ve been thinking about this for a year now. You once told me to ask myself who really is Mark. That was a one off joke but when I really thought about it? I don’t know and frankly whoever that is, I frankly don’t care about. He was never really me to begin with, if that makes sense.
So Thank you Riley. Doesn’t matter what name you used. I loved and appreciated them all.
-From Your reluctant Dictator Jason